Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
😅😅😅
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.