Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“What?”
– Jude
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
We avoided this particular disaster
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.