It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.