“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
How to make infinite energy.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”