If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Good dog. ❤️
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.