sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*Inspirational Tweets*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.