Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.