Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
boat question
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The dark side of Canada
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Nothing to do, you say?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks