“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
✌️
A dead goose is called a ghoost
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR