customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician