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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Namaste
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind