Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
next question.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.