Me irl
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Time for evil
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.