Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…