Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
All. The. Damn. Time.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
This is me 🤣🤣
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.