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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
😎 🍻
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.