Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.