Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.