After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
You Might Also Like
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry