My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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