*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports