You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Breaking news:
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked