Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?