New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”