People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?