The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
You Might Also Like
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors