Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.