Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.