Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
When someone says you are so lazy
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.