Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Strange
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.