Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
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Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut