Ok but actually
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”