since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
motivation
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.