Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m putting together a team
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
one last job
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?