Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣