My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
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Her: I鈥檓 done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
As soon as we鈥檙e able to go to church again I鈥檓 not going.
Shoutout to all the 鈥楬i鈥檚 in my message requests. I admire your imagination
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I鈥檓 just marveling at how the hand towel in my son鈥檚 bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Don鈥檛 even THINK about 鈥渉oney鈥漣ng me if you鈥檝e shrunk the damn kids…
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry