my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig