There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”