[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Lmao
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?