The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.