This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling