“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation