♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
i will avenge u mr van gogh