I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?