*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.