When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.