I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.