Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol