I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?