Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band